Anti-Lovely Lady Lump tips for the Fella’s
Today we’re going to cover a few bullet points of falling off the wagon. Chuck pony style; the kind that leaves you all warm and fuzzy inside, like a Meg Ryan movie (completely normal to cry to Joe And The Volcano).
Warm Thoughts Only
So here’s the scenario:
You’ve decided to finally commit yourself to eating better and working out.
You’ve been hitting training sessions pretty good, well, as best you can while still leaving optional room for thirsty Thursdays, liquid lunch Fridays and sweetness sweet Saturdays. Not to forget, blow my f*#*ing brains out Monday 🙂
None the less, you’re Hero-ing 3 days a week! With all due respect I’d say you’re one Celine Dion hit away from complete self-annihilation, however, here are some tips to cool your passive aggressive anger and abandonment fantasies. Take it away Johnny!
- When you want to eat something really-really-really bad, brush your teeth. If that doesn’t work, lift your shirt and gaze at your love lumps in the mirror. If that doesn’t do it, review your life insurance policy and see what it says about obesity and if there’s a Twix or Twinkie clause. Or in most cases, I’d suggest eating a clementine or orange first. Usually the sweetness of the citrus will curb some sugar cravings and lay those lovely lady lumps to rest.
- When you’re having a tantrum on training, remember if you do, you’ll be better than your closest friends at every sport in about 5 years. If that doesn’t help, remember being the HOTT DAD at the playground, BBQ’s, reunions, High School athletic events and the infatuation of all the other moms and wives is ridiculously rewarding.
- Put on a t-shirt from high school, or your favorite jeans or dress shirt that your girlfriend from three girlfriends past gifted you. Does it fit? If not, go on Facebook and find her latest profile pic. Does she look hot? Is her new boyfriend a good looking guy, maybe a little James Dean-esque-bad-boy? If so, I swear you’ll be at the gym and swallowing copious amounts of BCAA’s and protein powder in nanoseconds!
- Call your most successful friend and ask him to meet you at the gym. Usually, seeing someone kick some ass, leads to you kicking more ass! Just don’t slap asses in the gym. Cue the 1980’s-training-room-montage-scene!
- Call your ex-girlfriend, any should suffice, and ask her what went wrong. This list should provide ample weeks of hate and fantastic motivation.
- Go back in your head to a time you got your grill knocked in by the schoolyard bully. Imagine how good it would feel to approach him as an adult after a few months of hitting it hard and knocking his ass out! If he just so happens to be a UFC fighter then maybe you can revert to a memory when the lunch-lady shafted you a full serving of garlic rice ball or shitty corner piece of pizza with two sides of crust…. some people are just evil.
- Watch The Fighter or Rocky. Hell watch Designing Women if Anthony or Mary Jo inspire you. But watch something for fuel!
ADRENALINE SURGE!
- When all else fails pamper yourself bro. Cucumber eyes and facials. LIFE CHANGING!
LIVE THE DREAM! And adapted from the lyrics of John Lennon “peace and chicken grease”,
Rob Belley